Having a distance to the people around makes you an aloof. But in my opinion, it’s just a deeper way of defense. You may trust someone but you can’t depend yourself to them. People always leave, and when they’re gone, you’re nothing. It’s really just a matter of time, a bittersweet truth. So to avoid disappointment and even sadness in the end, it’s better to choose the things you express and held inside you. Choose wisely.
Sa mga social networking sites, napakadaling i-post ng nararamdaman o saloobin mo. Isang tweet mo lang, nandun na agad yung naiisip mo. Kaya para sakin, di gaanong big deal ang tweets. Oo, may mga pagkakataon na malaman at akala mo kung saang hukay nakuha ang nilalaman ng isang tweet. Pero para sa akin? Hindi laging ganun.
Dahil nga madaling magpost o magtweet, naginging random na lang ang mga naisusulat o nailalagay ko dun. Sa sobrang random, nasabihan na ako ng isang kaibigan na, “Sus, puro ka random”. Sang-ayon naman ako sa kanya dahil totoo talaga yun.
Ang panahon natin ngayon ay di tulad ng dati na kapag may gusto kang sabihin, tatawagan at kakausapin mo ang isang kaibigan upang isa isang sabihin ang iyong nararamdam o naiisip. Ngayon? Hindi na ganun. Madalas na lang natin idaan sa tweet, status o post ang mga ito.
Sa aking opinyon, ang nagiging resulta nito ay palaisipan sa bawat isa sa atin. Dahil madalas, hindi naman natin nilalagay kung sino ang ating tinutukoy sa tweet, status at post. Ang mga taong makakabasa nito ay mayroong kanya kanyang interpretasyon at paliwanag batay na din sa kanilang sari-sariling kaalaman.
Isa ako sa mga taong ganun. Oo, isa ako sa mga taong kadalasang hindi nagbabanggit ng pangalan sa isang tweet, status o post. Ang aking dahilan? Dahil madalas, random ko lang naiisip ang mga nilalagay ko duon at dito. May mga pagkakataong mayroon talaga akong tinutukoy na tao, ngunit mas madalas na wala. Ganito ang nangyayari (base sa akin ha):
Ganyan kadami ang pwedeng matukoy sa isang tweet, status o post. At gusto kong humingi ng pasensya dahil tulad ng sinabi ko kanina, hindi ako nagbabanggit ng pangalan at yun ang nagiging dahilan upang maisip ng kakilala ko ang mga sinulat ko sa itaas.
Kung kaibigan man kita o kakilala at mabasa mo ‘to, nais kong malaman na wag ka nang mag-isip ng kung ano pa man. Sasabihin ko naman din sayo kung sino o kahit ano man ang tinutukoy ko, para hindi ka na mag-akala. Okay na yung mabasa mo, hayaan mo na lang. Marahil may dahilan ako kung bakit hindi ko inilagay, o marahil random lang talaga ang tweet, status o post ko. Muli, pasensya na.
Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na madaling malaman ang tunay na emosyon. Kapag galit ako, talagang sinasabi ko. Minsan nga nagmumura pa ko. Kapag masaya ako, malakas ang tawa ko. Talagang ngiti kung ngiti kahit labas na ang gilagid. Kapag ayaw ko ng may kausap, tumatahimik ako. At madalas, hindi namamansin.
Dahil dito na sanay na akong di magsabi na aking nararamdaman. Bakit pa, kung sa isang tingin kaya namang malaman pa.
Gusto ko rin naman kasi matuto yung iba na magmasid at makaramdam sa mga nangyayari sa paligid nila. Dahil hindi palaging sinasabi ang mga bagay bagay. Minsan mas ayos pang ipadama na lang.
The first time that Mama cried because of me was the night of my debut party. It was when were asked to held hands and give message to each other. Unfortunately, were not able to do it. We burst out the tears right away and the MC took over.
The second time was just a while ago and this exactly what happened (well, I kinda think):
Held at school today was the election of the alumni officers for our batch. Just like the usual, I was late. The very reason is I did not prioritize it (I am sorry), and I do not want to be elected (yes, escape responsibility much). When I was already at the dome, they are currently electing for the position of auditor. And when I am already at my seat, the election was done. Yay, sakto lang! Haha. Then there was a mini program about being alumni. So cute to see other graduates of CEU and how far they are right now. Moreover, two professors sang and they are cute to be true! :-D
After the program, there was a mini merienda. Then our dean and the adviser of MassCom told us that they would announce the sure graduating students so they ask us to go at the backstage. We all went there so we could talk and discuss it. And we are finally there, our dean announce the names who are really graduating on April. The name of my mates and I was called. That feeling you get when you are sure ball in the graduation. Haha! Then our dean told us that she would be announcing the awardees for the extra co-curricular.
And it seems that my heart stop beating. Yes. As if, my environment was at in pause mode. Like no sounds that I can hear now. Yes, I am very nervous. I really like to have an award for Papa and Mama. For them to have a cozy seat on the day of my graduation. I do not like them to seat at the bleachers because I know it will be too hot.
There it was! Our dean first announces my name (because it was alphabetical). Haha! My mates look at me with a surprise. Imagine my very shock and happy face. I am really really happy and shocked. Haha! I instantly hug Aika who was sitting beside me. I am freaking happy and I admit I have teary eyes. Did not expect that much kasi. Hoooo, thank you Lord!
Then the other names of awardees were called. Arriane and Aika who are my dearest friends also got a bronze medal, same with my classmate Kim. MassCom friends are also bronze and silver awardees respectively. Then it came to the announcement of gold medalist, Tummy and my ever Bok Jama was called. Yay, congrats to them! Especially to Jama who also got the presidential leadership award. Award na award talaga sa medal! Haha. Afterwards, the latin awardees was also called. Yeah to Aika and Kim. Haha!
Following the entire announcement was the smile all over our face. Yes, we are all very happy. Congrats to all of us! The hard works is now starting to be paid off. We greet each other, we hugged and congratulate. Then Aika and I went at South because she bought something then went at McDonald’s for me to eat (yes, only me. haha!). Before I order a food, we call Arriane to tell her the very good news. Syempre, we trick her by talking as if she did not have an award. Aika and I already feel the disappointment in her voice so we had to tell her the real best thing. And yes, she was shock too! And she was happy too that we know through her voice that she is crying. Haha! After I ordered my meal, I decided to go home since Jama is with his classmates and Aika wants to go home too. While riding at the bus, I was absorbing the fact that I have an award. I still cannot believe it. I almost cry. Almost. I am also thinking if I will already say it, or let days passed. However, when I open the gate my cousin Ryan shouted, “Mama nandito na si Ate Ellen”. Mama replied, “Oh? Nandyan na?”. Then I go inside and explode out the good news. “Mama, umabot ako!”. Mama was so shocked. “May award ako.” And then I hugged Mama, and she hugged me back. “Alin, yung sa ginawa mo?” Mama said. “Opo, yung pinasa ko” I replied. Then we hugged each other again. It was also the moment that we cried. Not the crying ladies type but the tears of joy of course. I know in that moment, Mama is so proud of me even though she did not tell it to me. :-)
I am very proud of myself. Even though it just a bronze medal, at least I have an award on graduation. I can let my Papa and Mama have a comfortable seat. Plus, they will be with me at the stage. Diba, sobrang nakakaproud. As in. After all the different hardships of us, reinforcement will be given. Haha!
I remember my classmate Jenelle told me a while ago, “Pauwiin mo si Papa!”. And that is my next goal. The award is for my parents and I want them both to witness it. So Papa, you should be here on my graduation, okay? I dedicate this simple award for you. You and Mama will attend the graduation of your only child. Haha! Oh Lord, please. Grant the wish of mine. Please. Please.
YES!!! Exempted in the Behavioral Analysis because of the therapeutic approach method video we made. :-)
Hoooooooo! What a very awesomet feeling. One down! ♥
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Bebe Aika for helping us to have a client and being the videographer.
Thank you, Nikka for being our client.
Thank you, Jumaquio family for accommodating us.
Thank you for the editor of our video. Thank you, computer shop.
Thank you, Soc for our free print out write up.
Thank you, Mrs. Edna Liza M. Victoria for your great consideration and appreciation.
Thank you, Chum Arriane for being my partner. Cheers to us!! :-)
Though it was not a perfect video, I think what matter most and will, matter most is the effort we gave. BA subject is the most procedural subject this semester. And we made it. Hooray! :-)
In some way, cursing makes me feel that I am not perfect. That there are really siutations that I am not the good girl some of you thought. That there is part of me wants to be awful sometimes. Makes me feel and think that it is okay to express yourself. Not only in the time that you are happy and contented, but also in the time that you are mad. And upset. And angry. And yup, I am totally okay with that.
So after namin magsimba nila Mama at Raffy (pinsan ko) nagpunta kami sa SM. Pagkadating, naglunch muna kami sa Pizza Hut. Syempre nasa SM na kami, ano ba ang ginagawa sa SM at iba pang mall? Shopping shopping kuno, tapos tingin tingin din sa mga stalls. Dress and shoes. Tapos nung nandun na kami banda sa mga gamit para sa bahay dami kong nakitang magagandang paintings. I’m fonded in paintings kasi and I hope to have one for my own room or house someday. Ayun, super tingin ako sa paintings, canvas, and even pictures. Looks beautiful, wanna but them all for my future room.
Then may nakita akong white things or canvas ba na may letters na black. Para syang eye chart pero iba yung mga letters na nakalagay. Yung letters pag binasa mo mga phrases sya. Some of it are; please read this three meters away, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and keep calm and carry on. So from that, shoot. I want that! Lalo na yung keep calm. Ay grabe, ang ganda kaya. Eye chart like sya, then keep calm pa so for me it’s very perfect. Hawak hawak ko sya and I was like, gusto ko nito! Sinabi ko yun kay Raffy, then kay Mama. Mama was like, aanhin mo yan? San mo lalagay yan? At ako ay natameme. San nga ba? Wala nang lugar sa bahay, baka masayang lang. At binaba ko yung canvas. I have to let go of it, I have no choice.
Tapos may manong na sumunod sakin, hinawakan nya din. Na curious din siguro, ang unique kasi. Tapos yun, punta kami sa mga boy shirts. Habang nandun, kinuwento ko kay Mama kung gaano ko kagusto yung canvas kasi ang unique. Boom, nun nya lang na-appreciate yung canvas. Ang ganda din daw pala. Ayan ah. Nung pabalik na kami titignan ko sana ulit yung canvas kasi mukhang type na bilhin ni Mama, nang nakita kong isang piraso na lang ang natira. Lima yun, pero pagbalik ko.. Isa na lang! Oh my gosh. Pag check ko, ang natira na lang e yung please read this… OMG. Sabi ng salesman and sales lady, wala na daw. Binili na daw! Grabe, apat ang binili. Ang masama, yung keep calm pa. Sana man lang yun yung tinira. Grabe! Sabi ko, talaga po? Sino, yung manong? Oo daw sabi nila. Grabe! Nasabi ko na lang, grabe sya binili nya lahat. Grabe, sana tinira man lang nya yung keep calm. Grabe. Ang sakit.
Yung tipong na sa akin na, tapos waley. Feeling ko inagaw sakin weh. Yun agad ang pumasok sa isip ko. Kainis. Pero alam kong mali din ako kasi binitawan ko pa, hinayaan ko pang mawala sakin. Akala ko kasi nandyan lang, hindi mawawala. Pero maling mali ako, nakuha na ng iba. Napunta na sa iba. Nandyan na, tapos bigla na lang din nawala. Sobrang nakakapanghinayang.
You did not text me for a week and it is actually okay. At least, I do not know what’s up about you. I do not know where you are, and what are you doing. And I’m totally fine with that.
Then you liked my picture and everything blew away. Like things are already done then a strong wind push the building, and it’s now back to zero. (Lol, just trying to use some metaphor. I know it’s unacceptable and I am sorry) I am like, “there it goes again”. No, to be exact: “here I am again, feelings overload again in just a single thing he did which I truly know that does not have any meaning to him”. Dammit. Why are you like that? (I am using projection here) Why? My gosh, man.
If I am so weak I would get my phone and text you right now and ask how are you, and tell you I miss you. And ask if we can meet up or something, or maybe catch up, or just talk about updates about you, or even just some silly random things.
But this time I won’t even if I can and would love to. I do not care anymore in “what might have been?”. Duh. He does not care why should I? This time I would use a thing that I know can worsen a situation and took away chances, you know that thing pride. Yes.
When a person misses someone, he or she invites to meet up and talk. On the other hand, call them to catch up some things. Or at least text him or her to let them know it. Me? I go to his profile and browse it as if I can get something. Like status, new photos, or wall posts, or any updates. I absolutely know that it does not make any sense, but I am contented with that. I rather look at his profile picture for almost half year, than tell him what I feel. It’s better to keep it inside than say it out loud…
1. Procrastination – It is no surprise that this is my number one unpleasant behavior. As a teenager and a college student, most of us have this kind of behavior. I always avoid the given task especially if I know it is not yet important. I also see things less precedence that is why I tend to escape the needs of it to be done. The longer the time a task is given to me, the longer the time I procrastinate. I also delay chores that I think I cannot do now. As I tend to think different ways on how to do it, before actually doing or finishing it. As long as possible, I do things in hurry because I know in myself that it is the only time I could be productive. However, I know in myself that I always do this, which is never right.
2. Distraught – It is okay to be mad or confuse at times but when it is constant, there might be a problem. I believe that being distraught is my unpleasant behavior because it is not normal. Which could be possibly means it happens all the time. It may not be obvious but there are really times that I tend to be upset with such things. It could be small and simple, or huge and worst. In addition, if that situation happens, I am likely to be distracted and lose focus.
3. Low self-esteem – This behavior is unpleasant because it affects one’s personality. I see myself and judge it because I know what the things I can and cannot do are. I also know my potential and my limitations. Having low self-esteem turn down my chances to do new things. There are some situations too that I cannot evaluate myself. Sometimes, I know I am not the best, but there are also times, I feel better than the others do. It confuses me much what to feel about myself. As well as what to think and believe concerning my part.
Not that I really wanna share these with you guys. It just so happened that this my homework in Behavior Analysis, and I thought why don’t I post it here since I wrote this one in a blog way, not in a formal student way.
…siguro kasi alam ni God na sa future (na nangyayari na ngayon) na maglalakad ako araw araw mula Paramount hanggang MRT sa umaga, at Cubao station hanggang sa may Baliuag Bus Terminal pag gabi. Syempre, kung maganda ako e mas magiging delikado pa. Kaya ganito lang ako, para safe na safe. ;-)
I always caught myself thinking him. I would not deny it, but I miss him. Yes, I really do.
That feeling you get after being attach with someone and left with yourself without any choice. Nevertheless, to accept that things did change.
It is never easy because at the back of your mind you thought it was perfectly fine. Then, it happened again. It happened again and I was not expecting it would be so much like this, though at the very beginning I perceive that this point will come.
Honestly, I do not want to talk about this that’s why as you can see, my thoughts are not chronological. You know the war between forgetting and remembering? That is where I am right now. However, as a pessimistic coward hopeless kind of person, I decide to stop whatever was going on, is going on, and will be going on. Maybe because all I can see are the reasons why I should stop. I cannot think any good reasons why should I keep this wherein at the very place, I know this did not start. Yeah, it’s kinda bizarre but I know you get what I am talking about.
What I just really really want is to end this. I do not want to be bug by different thoughts of him anymore…
That is how my thoughts and feelings can easily shift from being so fond person, to a bleak creature. Pitiable me.
I know it is really weird to have a title like that when in fact, it is already September. Well, I would love to blog about how August had been to me.
August is my favourite month, and those who are dear to me knows the reason why. Unfortunately, this year August was not what I expected to be. It started with an unforeseen mourning. And it was followed by ordinary days, and some circumstances that I would not love to talk about. Include the fact that a person I want to celebrate this month with, seems to be missing in action. Really. I do not know what happened, but this person seems to be cold and distant to me. There is no any single reason why this person would be like that to me. I mean, I have been good. We had been good. Everything seems to be good and all of the sudden…
It was not always blues, I experience a wonderful thing this August. This wonderful experience would be my first and last. And I would like to thank the people who I was with during that wonderful experience. I will cherish it forever, especially the celebration. I also experience new things that help me to be a better person, particularly to be a responsible one.
Honestly, a lot of trouble happened than the pleased ones. But I am still grateful. It was not the best year for August and I, yet I am appreciative. August had been very fair to me even though there are times that I asked myself, WTH?
It was not a goodbye for me, August. Even now September is here, you will always have a place here. No parting, okay? Thank you for being kind to me, we can still try next year. I’ll bet next time, you and I will have a good time. Again, thanks!
Yung taong naniniwala na dapat ang mga bagay ay may formality. Dapat official, at dapat committed. Tapos sila pa yung mga taong makakahanap ng katapat. As in darating sa buhay nila na makakakilala sila ng taong sobrang kabaligtaran ang paniniwala.
Habang tumatagal, natututo sya dahil sa tao na ‘to. Na yung mga bagay na pinaniniwalaan mo ay hindi pang habang buhay. Darating ang pagkakataon na mababago ito dahil sa maraming rason.
Kung kailan handa ka na sa mga pagbabago, handa ka nang tanggapin ang mga bagay na ito tsaka naman may mangyayaring di inaasahan. Kung kailan handa na syang wala na lang formality, yung tipong alam naman natin ang nararamdaman ng bawat isa di na kailangang sabihin pa tapos tsaka may akwhdoquwgfbcoqubfvqowugfqwf.
Para sayo, okay naman ako na ganito lang tayo. Sa totoo lang, wala pa nga sa kalingkingan ng something ang meron tayo pero masaya ako. At alam kong ikaw din naman. Pero anong nangyari? Bat po nagkaganun? Alam ko din naman na wala kang sinasabi, pero alam natin pareho kung anong meron tayo. Sana busy ka lang, sana marami ka lang bagay na iniintindi na dapat mo talagang unahin. Nandito lang po ako huh?
There are so many thoughts in my head tonight. I think I know where it all came from. Nevertheless, what I do not know is to get rid of these. This thing always happens, and I hate it. The fact that I cannot control it, the fact that I cannot do something for it… Sometimes I wish to get tired of this, but that moment will not happen yet. Well I wish it is a yet, not a never. Geez. I don’t know. See! I cannot even write chronologically even though I would really really love to.
I think I know what to do. I will watch a movie, maybe 500 Days of Summer. Yeah, you got it right. I will get myself depress because I think that is what my mind want. I will be drowning myself in sorrow and solitude. In addition, yes! I want to remind myself that there a huge difference between expectation and reality. Ah. Can’t wait to see Tom and Summer again. BRB.